Depression is very real, and, if you’re going through it, you know just how important being repeatedly reminded of your value can help. Even if you don’t ever go with your friends, you want to be wanted, because it lets you know people are thinking about you, though you need time alone.
[doubting your ability to clearly explain it all, you say you’re just tired]
You want your loved ones to get past the awkwardness of asking what’s wrong so you can tell them, but your words barely make sense to you. So, doubting your ability to clearly explain it all, you say you’re just tired, and you really are.
[…but this all-encompassing cloud hangs over you]
You’ve dealt with so many thoughts about how you could feel better; for you to be out of pain, truly experiencing the professed love of your family and friends, and the sense of being important instead of just hearing it. That would tire anyone out, but this all-encompassing cloud hangs over you.
Eventually it dissipates, and you don’t know how. You think about what you went through, but you can’t quite put your finger on what changed. You appreciate the little things again, like when someone holds a door for you or waves you on in traffic.
Though you want to figure it out for next time, because their is always a next time, you don’t want to look back on it for fear your thoughts might take you there again.
So you live with this hidden shadow, waiting to come back, and there, perched in the back of your mind it bides its time. It knows—No, you know it will be back, and maybe it never really goes anywhere. Maybe that’s why you’re sitting in your mind, pondering your self-worth based on your contributions to a group of people you love, while you go through your everyday routine, waving a smile and cheering up others.
[…that was the solution last time]
Maybe you convince yourself the smile you’re selling is real. Maybe that was the solution last time. You didn’t want to remember it before. Did the cloud ever stop raining? Did you find your thistles to chew on in the Thousand-Acre Woods?
You don’t know. Perhaps you weren’t actually depressed because you convinced yourself it was real, the smiles and cheer, and maybe that makes this time worse.
[This is your normal]
It is never about any time. This is living with depression, and you’re strong despite being exhausted. While you’ve considered giving up, something always brings you out of it. This is your normal.
Maybe that something is someone who isn’t in your life or treating you how you want, triggering your cloud to come out and play. That can be devastating. Find someone to talk to. Get past the awkward words, and get help. You’re worth it. You aren’t alone, and people know what you’re going through. Our circumstances may be different, but I too survive my depression. Make sure you keep surviving with me.